Working Mummy, Guilty Mummy

Just over a month ago I got myself a job. I returned to work after I finished my maternity leave when I had Dylan but I reduced my hours to only 2 days a week. I didn’t want to leave Dylan in daycare when he was only a year old so my Mum looked after him for those 2 days. But after about 4 months I felt as if I was missing out on too much Dylan and that I couldn’t fully commit to the job I was doing on those reduced hours so I left.  I was lucky enough to be in the position where I could give up work to care for Dylan. I did very much feel as if I was a bit of a leech on my husband and that I was a bit of a layabout but these feelings were never from Joe or our families. I guess I just put a lot of pressure on myself. Anyway, then a year later we had Eilys and then she was diagnosed and needed a lot of support and care so going back to work wasn’t an option.

After Eilys died I figured I needed to get a job to get myself out of my head a bit, to give me something to do but what on earth was I going to do?? I really didn’t want to go back to working as a teaching assistant as I was very aware that I had changed as a person, I didn’t know how I would cope working with teenagers with similar needs or conditions or even with students with terminal illnesses. I was sure that ,my attitude would be very “fuck it, let’s go and do something fun instead of maths” and that isn’t what I would be being paid to do. So I started to have a look for jobs, sort of. To be honest, I was being a bit half arsed about it. And then I fell pregnant and thought “oh well there goes that idea!”. However, in february I found a job at a local college that looked perfect. It was for an exams officer, something I had a bit of experience in and it was only a fixed term contract until the end of June, perfect. I applied and astonishingly I got the job!.. there was a little bit more to it than that but I’ll divulge that in a later blog.

Childcare for Dylan would be tricky. My hours were 9 til 4, Monday to Thursday which are pretty cushty hours but still, Dylan would need someone to look after him! He was already going to preschool for a half day on Tuesday and full days Wednesday and Thursday so my lovely Mum stepped up and said she would come over and play with him on Mondays and the remainder of Tuesday. We then decided to put him in wrap around care at Preschool on Wednesday and Thursday, so he would go to breakfast club and afterschool club. Solved!

We are now 6 weeks into me being a working Mummy and it has been a bit of an adventure. Personally, having a job has been great. It has taken my mind off a lot of the dwelling thoughts I was having and I am busy, which feels really good. Having my own money is lovely. I love being able to treat my boys with money that I have worked hard for. I really enjoy the job, the people are nice and it is interesting to do. Plus, it is a really really frantic and hectic role which I love! It is also really good that I am so busy that I am actually sleeping a lot better now, woohoo.

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Dylan for the most part has been brilliant. He has a bit of a love hate relationship with Preschool. Most days he loves it and is really happy going in and coming out but other days he is utterly distraught at the idea of going and really kicks off. These days are the hardest. Leaving a wailing child at daycare is a horrible experience and it really doesn’t matter if you call 10mins later and are told that he is fine, it tears you up. I have cried a few times on the way to work and I have spent a few days on edge for most of the day worrying about how he is doing and if I am doing the right thing by having a job. I feel selfish, like I have done this for myself at his expense. I think a lot of Mothers go through this, daily and it is just so sad. Maybe it was selfish of me to go to back to work seeing as financially I really didn’t have to. The last year has been so hard, for all of us and for me, getting a job has really helped me along with the healing process. I know that Dylan is having fun and I know that he loves spending time with his friends. But it is still hard to leave Dylan, even on the days where he is fine but especially on the days when he is not. I do feel bad that I am working during this window before he starts school but I look forward to 30th June and for our summer of fun, laughter and adventures that we have together and I intend to spend as much of it as possible making up for these few months.

xx

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