I started taking a Level 3 Counselling Course 3 weeks ago after successfully completing the Level 2 at the end of March. I have really enjoy both courses so far and I feel that it has been really beneficial to me in unpicking my feelings from the last year or so.
Tonight’s task was to choose a photograph from a load of photographs. It had to be a photo that “spoke” to us and then in pairs we had to discuss why the photo was chosen and what it made us feel etc. There was 1 photo that instantly spoke to me but I really didn’t want to talk about it so I tried to find another. The second I walked through the door I had a feeling that this would be the task and this one image was just calling to me.
I really tried to pick another image. I looked at all photos of sunrises and sunsets, children playing, woodland, beaches, clouds, flowers and a rather random photo of Tim Curry as Pennywise… I am not kidding! But after a few circuits around the images I picked up the image. The image below isn’t the same one but is very similar.
As you can see this is an image of bluebells in a wood. It is a very beautiful image. It really was the only one that spoke to me but as I said I really didn’t want to speak about why. But I did and yes, there were tears. Lots of tears.
This time last year, Eilys was very poorly. One night in the beginning of April me and Joe spent a night with her listening to The Beatles, blur, Pulp and lots of our favourite songs as we thought she was dying. We cried together and said our goodbyes. She was really struggling and was in a bit of distress and we honestly thought it was the end. But it wasn’t. She survived the night and following day the antibiotics she was on started to work and she rallied. We had a lovely few weeks of her being really well, we went glamping and on a few other adventures. Then a few weeks later she had another shitty night and the following day spent the day in hospital with her and she was fitted with a feeding tube and we were given a nebuliser for her. And then a few weeks after that it was this next weekend last year, Dylan was staying with our parents and Eilys took another turn for the worst and we thought that it was going to be it. But yet again, she rallied by the morning and we decided to go for a walk at Rode Hall as they had a bluebell walk.
This is why this image was so evocative to me. To me, I think this time of year will always be a struggle. It marks the beginning of Eilys’ decline. I remember walking around the bluebells with her, showing her the flowers, taking photos and making memories and being so happy that she was able to see them but also being so painfully aware that she didn’t have much time left. I didn’t ever let those thoughts have a voice in my head but they always lurked around. It is hard to live in the moment knowing full well that that moment is just that, a moment.
All this came gushing out of me tonight. It was hard to talk about but I am glad I did. It is so funny that an image can cause that much emotion to come pouring out. I think it is the way that I have been feeling at the moment. I think of Eilys everytime I see a bluebell, which is a lot at the moment. It is so lovely that these seasonal things are able to bring me comfort and warmth in the way they remind me of such happy memories but it is also hard at times. It is hard to remember that she was so ill and all the times that we thought she was going to die. It was mentally exhausting at times and I have absolutely no idea how we got through it looking back but I wouldn’t change any of it. Even on the worst nights, the nights we thought and said to each other “this is it”, even thinking about these times gives me some comfort as these times gave us a chance to say goodbye to her.
May and June are going to be hard this year. I think they are going to be hard every year, in factI know they are. We are lucky that interspersed with the sadness and the memories of the difficult times we also have a lot of happy times. Even though bluebells will always make me think about how poorly she was this time of year, they also remind me of a lovely day out. A day that we showed Eilys how beautiful bluebells are, how a normal green woodland floor can be turned vivid blue with a blanket of flowers, a day where we spent some time together and showed her how much we loved her, a day where me and Eilys both wore skirts I’d made and a day where she ate quite a lot of Joe’s brownie. Memories are so important and I am so thankful that we were able to make a lot of lovely ones with her.
Thanks for reading