Bedtime blues

Most days I’m alright at the moment. I get through. I keep busy. I surround myself with people I love and memories I cherish. Some days are harder than others but I drag my ass through them. Grief is a sneaky little bugger. Sometimes it creeps up on you, othertimes you can’t escape it like quicksand. But mostly I can handle it. In the daytime. 

Bedtime is a different matter. Throughout our relationship and marriage bedtime has been our time to talk, we have a cuddle and talk about our day or things that are on our minds etc. Throughout Eilys’ illness bedtime would be when we allowed ourselves to fall apart. After Eilys died it would be the time for us to talk through our pain, our feelings and to look through photos and videos of us as a family. We still do this most nights. I find it comforting to end the day like this. I’m not saying we don’t watch videos or look at pictures in the daytime, because we do, but bedtime is when we reflect the most.

I feel so far away from Eilys at the moment. It feels like so long since I saw her, since I held her, it feels like so long since everything Eilys. Time does heal but it also hurts. The more time that rolls on the more space there is between us. The things I struggle with the most are surprising too. I miss the weight of her in my arms. I miss her sleepy snuffly noises. I miss how she always smelled like cake. 

I don’t allow myself to think about these things in the day.  I keep busy to avoid thinking of them. But at night they drift to the surface and I allow myself time to wallow in them. Missing Eilys is so hard.

Thankyou for reading.


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