Today marks the end of Baby Loss Awareness Week and tonight at 7pm there is the Global Wave of Light. Eilys being ill and losing her is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through but I have been so lucky through my grief. My family and friends have allowed us to grieve in the way that we needed to grieve. They have allowed us to talk, ramble at times, about Eilys and about how we are feeling. They have allowed us to fall apart and they have help build us back up. They were there when we needed them and they have backed off when we didn’t. We were lucky. Not everybody is as lucky as we are.
Having a safe space to talk through the loss of a child is so vital in the grieving process. Knowing that there are people who are there is important. Grief is lonely and it is not a straight path that you can just walk along and it’s done. Grief is always there. For me it is a bit like a balloon in my head. Sometimes it is deflated and takes up no space but it is still there, lurking. Other times it is fully inflated and fills up all the space and it is all that I can think about. I find myself thinking about what ifs, whys and berating myself for not doing more or that we wasted time. I have found ways to deal with it on my own like looking through Eilys’s memory box, looking at photos, exercising, walking, listening to really really loud music in headphones to block it out but sometimes I give into it and just wallow and cry. I also know that I can call one of my family or friends to help, or message someone. I feel so strongly that as long as your prefered method of grief doesn’t hurt anyone else or yourself then just go with it.
I cannot express how amazing it is that I can talk about Eilys with people without it being a “thing”. Eilys dying is part of my normal now as it is to my family and no amount of shying away from it or not talking about it will stop that. I have said this over and over but by not talking about her it makes me feel sadder like she has been forgotten and I think most people who have loss a baby or child will tell you, this is my biggest fear. By talking about Eilys you are telling me that she mattered, that she was loved and that she was missed not just by her immediate family but by other people too. I love just hearing her name. It really is like music in my ears.
If you know someone who has lost a baby or a child at any stage through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, illness or accident please allow them the space to talk about them. Baby and child death shouldn’t be something that we ignore and don’t talk about. It isn’t contagious. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. But by opening up the lines of communications with that person will make all the difference to them.
So please tonight at 7pm please join in with the Wave of Light for Baby loss awareness week. Light a candle for Eilys or someone else who should be here but isn’t, pop it in your window and leave it burning for an hour. Maybe spend that time thinking about her (or them. I will be lighting several candles for babies and children who have touched my life.
For more information on Baby Loss Awareness week please click here.
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