That Moment

Since having Evan I have tried really hard to get out and about and to drag my ass to baby groups. I did this a lot with Dylan when he was a baby and we made some really lovely friends as a result. With Eilys I didn’t. It was harder to go to a baby group while dragging along a rather rambunctious toddler too, I thought that Dylan would get bored and start acting a bit silly. But anyway, this time with Dylan at school I wanted to try to do more things. I have started to go to 2 groups. The first is a bumps and babes group at the One to One midwife “shop” in town and the second is called The Daisy Foundation Tinies class (basically baby yoga and massage all in one). I am loving both of these groups. The people at both groups are so lovely, easy to talk to and really welcoming.

It is great to be getting out and to be meeting new people but it has come with it’s difficulties. Going to the Bumps and Babes group has been fantastic. It is run by one of the MAMA’s at One to One, Julie, who has looked after me since before having Evan and knows all about Eilys. That and the fact that it is held in the place where I had all my scans made it feel a bit more comfortable and I have been able to talk about Eilys more. I hate that moment when someone asks how many children I have, or is Evan my first or any variation of these, knowing that I have 2 choices. I can either lie or not mention Eilys or I tell them that Evan is my third baby and that Eilys died. I refused to lie about it. I have 3 children, I am the Mum of three but also I hate that moment straight after telling someone about Eilys. I hate that look they give me as they grapple with the information, that moment where you can see their brain trying to find the right words and how awkward it can be. I really hate it but I would also rather talk about her than not so it is a moment I have to get past. The first week at bumps and babes I opened up and talked about Eilys so it really isn’t a thing anymore but I haven’t said anything at the baby yoga group.

We are in our fourth week of Daisy Tinies now and we love the class, it is lovely and after each one we all go upstairs and have a  cuppa and a biscuit. During the class there is a “is there anything anyone would like to talk about bit” and every week I have wanted to say “yes actually” and explain. Every week when we are having a cuppa and a chat afterwards I have wanted to tell the group but I haven’t. I feel really annoyed and upset with myself that I haven’t. I feel like I have failed Eilys in a way. But this is a group of first time Mum’s and me and I don’t want to have that moment, I don’t want to upset any of them. But every week I sit there with the elephant in the room that no one else is aware of but I am and I feel engulfed by it. I really need to woman-up and tell them. And. yes I realise I am sounding very dramatic but that moment is awful and I hate it that I will have to have that moment every so often for the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading

xx

 

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