This has taken me a long time to write. January is a tough month for people. New beginnings aren’t always welcome and saying goodbye to the old year can be hard. I tend to feel really flat in the gooch week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve is my Mum’s birthday so it always nice and then me and Joe generally watch a film, have a takeaway and then see in the new year together. And then it is the new year. Flatness returns.
This year I felt flatter than usual. I felt down. Really down and sad. Not all the time, obviously. Dylan, Evan and Joe light up my life in ways that I cannot even describe. My friends are fantastic and they lift me out of the darkness. But still, I felt really flat and sad. I had trouble sleeping and Evan seemed to still be waking a lot. It took me a few days to realise what the problem was and then Dylan asked me a question and it hit me like a bolt of lightening.
“Mummy what were me and Eilys doing last year?”
And then it hit me. Eilys wasn’t here last year anymore. 2018 meant that I could no longer say that Eilys died last year. Now, she died 2 years ago. She suddenly seemed so so far away. I am sure that it doesn’t sound like much but it felt like a punch in the gut.
January has been a tough one. I’ve been trying to feel better about Eilys being so far away. It’s ok that I am not ok sometimes.
Thanks for reading