And then it hits you…

We have just been camping for the weekend. We love camping. Joe and I went camping quite a lot before we had children and we took Dylan camping when he was about a year old. We took Eilys “glamping” in a Yurt and we have taken Evan a couple of times. I love how free and wild it turns the children, there is something so special about sleeping outdoors in the countryside. In the words of the ever prophetic Jay from the Inbetweeners “it’s the sense of freedom you don’t get with other holidays”.

We got to the campsite, set up the tent and Dylan went out playing with the other children. He played a lot the whole time we were there and he struck up a friendship with a little boy on the pitch next to us. He was a little older and he had a little sister who was 3. They all played really nicely together. They chased each other, played football, tried to get a kite to fly, invented cute little role playing games and generally had a great time. Campsite friendships are so lovely to watch. At one point I heard Dylan talking to the little chap, lets call him Jay (not his name) and Dylan was telling him all about Eilys. Oh my darling boy! He came and asked me how old Eilys would be if she was still alive and then went back to his conversation.

We were camped near to a reservoir where you could walk across the dam and around the reservoir itself and there was a visitors center with restaurants and shops and a pretty awesome park for kiddies. On the Saturday, Joe went for a bike ride around the reservoir while we walked across the dam with Dylan on his bike, Evan in his buggy and my parents. We met up with the campsite buds in the park by accident and Dylan carried on having fun with Jay and his little sister, Lola (not her name). This time they were including Evan in their games too and all having fun together. At one point Jay went to ask his Dad something leaving Dylan and Lola chasing each other around, laughing and squealing with Evan toddling around behind them, waddling about in his nappy and giggling.

And then it hit me. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. It hit me like train. That should be our normal. We should have a rambunctious 5 year old leading the fun, a 3 year old following and having the time of her life and both being followed by our wonderful nearly 1 year old toddling behind. This should be us all the time. Evan should have a doting big brother and a doting big brother… But he doesn’t and this isn’t our life and what ifs aren’t helpful, they’re harmful. So I pushed the thought to the back of my head and I tried to enjoy the moment for what it was, my 2 boys having fun with a new friend.

Some days I expect to be hard days. Other hard days creep up on me as if from no where.

Thanks for reading

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