I was expecting the early weeks of being pregnant to be hard. I knew that I would have to await the results of a test for SMA. I knew that the early weeks are stressful anyway, especially now that I am that little bit older. At 36 years old I am now classed as a geriatric mother, what the actual fuck! Geriatric! Couldn’t they have picked a better word, a less depressing term? Luckily, my midwife said that was horseshit and that she would just class me as a badass, haha.
I was hoping that this pregnancy would be a bit simpler and less emotionally draining than with Evan but I think that I might have been wrong. But circumstances are different. Life is different. But pregnancy after loss is always a minefield of emotions. With Evan, I thought that once he had the all clear from SMA Type 1 that it would be plain sailing but it wasn’t really. I had opened myself up to a world of loss, I knew the 100s of ways that pregnancy isn’t guaranteed. I knew that pregnancy is an if and not necessarily a when. It is hard to be expecting when you know that sometimes you don’t get what you have been expecting. I am not in anyway saying that I wish I hadn’t opened up this world of loss to myself. I am forever grateful to the amazing parents who share their stories and their precious missed babies and children with me and the world. I have made some amazing friends. I wouldn’t have got through grief half as well without these incredible people, without knowing that I wasn’t alone.
It isn’t just the fear of things going wrong or the knowing that things can go wrong at every stage of pregnancy and beyond. It is more than that. It is hard to enjoy something when you know that nothing is guaranteed. Pregnancy is tough. Pregnancy is hard. It take a toll on your emotions and takes it’s toll on you physically. But when you are pregnant after suffering the death of a child you are faced with so much more… The feelings that you used to be able to deal with are harder to deal with. I feel guilty for not enjoying every single second of being pregnant. I constantly remind myself that I am lucky, and I am lucky and I feel lucky and grateful but it is also ok to admit that it is tough. I feel guilty that I am pregnant for all those people who want to be pregnant but aren’t. I worry that this baby will think that we wouldn’t have had him or her if Eilys had lived. I find it hard to admit when I find things hard at the best of times but being pregnant is hard. I feel like I can’t moan or complain about it being difficult. I feel like I should apologise for being pregnant when other people aren’t… I know I am overthinking but some days it is really hard not to.
I am really lucky in that I have quite physically easy pregnancies (so far). The only symptoms I really get are being so so tired that I often wake up tired, I struggle to fall asleep and I get awful indigestion (which DOESN’T mean I will have a baby with a full head of hair!!). I am really trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can because it will be my last time I am pregnant. Now that I have put the worry of SMA Type 1 behind us I really need to try and just enjoy the next 20+ weeks of growing and nurturing our little newbie…
Thanks for reading