4th time’s the hardest…

Today should have been Eilys’ 4th birthday. Her 4th Birthday. Every time I think it or say it it hurts. This one seems to hurt more than the others did. I think the reason for this is that with turning 4 comes so many changes in a child’s life. At 4 a child becomes their own little person, more so than ever before. They are that little bit more independent. 4 year olds have very definite likes and dislikes. And school.

I think about all the things that she might be. What sort of little girl would she have become at 4. What would she like? Would she be a girly girl? Would she be excited for school or would she prefer to stay at home with me and Evan. Would she be cheeky like her brothers. Would she still love swimming and being in water…

But thinking these things only brings more pain for us. I have to remind myself that this is all fanciful thinking, Eilys was a very poorly little girl. We wouldn’t have wanted her to continue if it was causing her pain and discomfort, which she would have been in. It sounds like I am being harsh but sometimes it is better to give yourself a stern  talking to than to hurt yourself more by thinking of things that will cause more pain.

Eilys deserved better than having SMA and having her life cut short but we were lucky that she managed to experience as much as she did in the time she had. But today we celebrate all that she was, all the time we had with her and all the happy memories that we shared together. Thinking about what she could have been is pointless when she was perfect exactly how she was.

Thanks for reading


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