A Very Sad Day…

Today (day 5 of the summer holiday…) I’d had a fairly successful morning. Both boys were behaving themselves, we had lunch and went to the park to meet some friends. It has been a beautiful sunny day here today. The boys were having a great time playing with their friends and I was enjoying chatting with mine. I check my phone when I had a moment as my friend took her boys for a weewee stop at the cafe. I had an email from HR at One to One. Earlier in the day I emailed HR with my pregnancy risk assessment form for my volunteering work and also my 2 volunteering goals so I presumed it would be about that. But I was very very wrong…

So the email was to inform me that One to One would be going into administration on Wednesday. I read the email a few times just to make sure that I was reading what I was reading. Then I had a few messages from people about it (they’d posted on their facebook page at the same time that I’d had the email). What a shock. My first reaction was about the staff, people I knew, people I liked! I have been volunteering since March and it has been such a great experience. Everyone has been so nice and welcoming to me.

And then it hit me. that I was pregnant and that I was under the care of One to One too. Holy Fuck.

The whole thing is so upsetting. The One to One case loading model of care for pregnant women is brilliant. I have loved every aspect of it. Having appointments at my house that last longer than 15mins is so wonderful. The not feeling rushed, ever. The forming a close bond with your midwife. Having Dylan and Evan being a part of my appointments in a meaningful way rather than me feeling like they were in the way (my midwife when I was pregnant with Eilys was definitely very irritated by Dylan being there). I am so sad that this model of care has been stopped in our area, it is so unfair and upsetting. The care I received from One to One during my pregnancy with Evan and now this one has just been so amazing. I felt very listened to and very cared for. I felt like my midwife had time to get to know me, our family and out situation. I did’t have to explain about Eilys at every appointment.

And then I got to thinking, what am I going to do?! I had another email saying about my transfer of care. But in all honesty I don’t want to transfer my care. I don’t want to go back to waiting up to an hour at the Doctors waiting room for a 10-15 minute rushed appointment. And I am really not moaning about the NHS (even though I am) but when you have had such an amazing service it makes it very very hard to go back. I feel like my lovely home birth is slipping away from me. I felt so out of control during my pregnancies with Dylan and Eilys, I felt like I wasn’t listened to and I felt like I was pushed into being induced both times. I didn’t get the births that I wanted as a result. I can’t afford to go private so I feel like I am just going to have to fight for the things that I want this time round and I am rubbish at advocating for myself. I have such a clear idea of what I want at this birth and I know births don’t always go to plan anyway but I am not sure that they’ll let me do any of these things. I want a home birth. I want a pool birth. I want Dylan to find out the sex. I want Dylan to cut the cord. Ugh! I am so sad about it all. I realise I sound like a petulant child with all this I want and I don’t want stuff but that is how I feel.

But like I said, I am so sad for all the amazing staff at One to One. For what I can tell  it has been a complete shock to them all too. All the staff that I have met are just awesome. They go above and beyond for their women and their families. Volunteering at One to One has been such a wonderful and enjoyable experience for me. I feel like it has opened my eyes to a potential future career (I am not 100% in what but still). I can’t thinking about all the women under their care at the moment, women who are days or weeks away from their birth and now facing such an upheaval. I guess I am in a good position in that I have quite a few weeks to sort out my care and to get used to the idea of whatever it is that I choose (Free birthing maybe… hahaha). But at the moment I am in shock, I am heartbroken and I feel just so sad for everyone who has been effected by this. It is such a sad sad loss to our local community (and other communities). One to One were doing such amazing things for women and positives births and I for one am absolutely gutted.

Thanks for reading

xx

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