Deciding to be a Mother

A local women’s charity/organisation is running a campaign trying to capture the full spectrum of motherhood from deciding to become a mother through to being a Grandparent. I wanted to join in because it was a good excuse to do some writing and sharing our stories is something I wish we did more.  This is what I wrote.  

I think I have always wanted to have a baby. It is one of those things that I remember thinking about when I was little and when I was a teenager. It was one of those things that was almost expected of you, I suppose. But after my younger Aunties and Uncles had their children and I spent more time with babies and toddlers I definitely felt like it was something I wanted in life.

But having a baby and wanting to be a mother are 2 quite different things I think. I hadn’t really thought about being a mother until seeing a few people I knew become Mothers themselves. Seeing friends and family make the transition from woman to mother is a wondrous thing to witness. Their matrescence (I love that word so much!) The changes are subtle and profound. On the run up to our wedding one of my cousins had a baby. She was the cousin that I had always been closest to and seeing her change from my cousin to a mother was amazing. She took to it so well, the bond between her and her son was awesome and something in me definitely changed.

Joe and I married in March 2012 and we had talked about starting a family soon after the wedding. But then the wedding happened and it felt scary all of a sudden. My mental health hadn’t been great in the run up to our wedding. We had relocated from Rugby to Crewe the September before and I didn’t feel very settled. I had moved so that Joe could be closer to his work as he had been commuting from Rugby to Stoke every day for nearly a year. I left a job that I loved, a lovely group of friends and a life that we were happy with. The move was the right thing for us as a couple but for me it was tricky. The job I moved to wasn’t quite as good or enjoyable as I thought it was going to be. I had gone from having a good group of friends to not knowing anybody. Add to that the stress of planning a wedding pretty much all by ourselves and moving from a 3 bedroom house to a tiny 1 bedroom flat and I ended up in a bit of bad place and was on antianxiety medication.

There were lots of doubts in my mind. A lot of worry that we were rushing having a baby. Was this the right time? But would there ever be a “right” time. The more we talked about it, the more it felt right. We might never feel ready with circumstance but we were ready and steady as a couple. We decided stop using birth control. And after years of trying not to get pregnant, it felt weird to be not trying not to get pregnant but it felt right. One month past and nothing. Two months past and nothing. And then after 3 months 2 very faint lines appeared on a pregnancy test and my whole world changed.

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